The Adventures of Col. Starrkin (ret.) #-2
A Vaguely Star-Wars-ish Kinda Thing
Mostly for Dale
12 January, 01 E.C.
Just as Director Krennic had foreshadowed, The Project was fraught with cost overruns. And just as he had boasted, I could trace none of them to his office. None of the cost overruns were explained. They were simply initialed “DV.” Darth Vader. My predecessor had warned me against questioning Vader’s authorized expenditures. And fairly enough. Certainly Lord Vader had a reputation throughout the Republic, even if nobody seemed to know exactly what his job was.
Well, I decided it was time somebody got to the bottom of that. And that somebody would have to be me. And so it was that I contacted his home office on the homogenously volcanic world of Mustafar. I had assumed that being the Emperor’s right-hand man, and generally a big macher, he would have a rather full schedule. So I was surprised when my conversation with his secretary went something like this:
Me: Hi, yes, I’d like to make an appointment with Lord Vader? This is the AEIOU.
Sec’y: Certainly, sir. When would be convenient for you?
Me: Well, when might His Lordship be free?
Sec’y: Let me check the book. Hmm…yes, just as I suspected. Lord Vader has exactly zero appointments for the next three months. So you may swing by whenever you like.
Me: I’m sorry, did you say “zero appointments”?
Sec’y: That’s right, sir. You sound surprised.
Me: Well, it’s just…he’s awfully important. I’d assumed he’s quite a busy man.
Sec’y: He’s more machine, now, then man.
Me: How’s that again?
Sec’y: Nothing, sir. It’s just that he’s quite terrifying actually. And short tempered. People tend to avoid meeting with him if at all possible. Which reminds me. You’re absolutely sure you’d like to come here to see him? In person?
Me: Indeed I would. Could you pencil me in for Thursday? Say, 3:00 PM?
Sec’y: Certainly, sir. And would that be local time, Coruscant Time, or Imperial Central Time?
Me: Aren’t CT and ICT the same thing now?
Sec’y: So they are.
Me: Right. Well, what would 3pm local time be in ICT for this Thursday?
Sec’y: I’ll just check the planetary alignments…hold please….Ah yes, I have it now. 3pm local would be 11am ICT this Thursday.
Me: And is Lord Vader usually in a good mood in the afternoons?
Sec’y: Between you and me, sir? Lord Vader is never in a good mood. It’s part of his mystique, you see.
Me: Is it?
Sec’y: Yes? I mean, I think so. Well, that and the all-black. And his disdain for riding pants. Second highest player in the whole bloody Empire already and he doesn’t give a whit for riding pants. It’s quite off-putting actually. But I imagine it’s all just a part of his branding, so to speak.
Me: I wouldn’t have thought Lord Vader concerns himself with things like branding.
Sec’y: Well that’s just it, sir. He doesn’t. Not consciously, anyway. That’s what’s so impressive about him. He just does what he wants. Doesn’t give a toss what anybody else thinks. Well, except for the Emperor, of course.
Me: Of course. So you’ve put me down for 3pm local time on Thursday then?
Sec’y: Certainly, sir. It’s as bad a time as any.
Me: Don’t you mean, as good a time as any?
Sec’y: No, sir. I’m afraid not.
Me: I see.
Sec’y: With all due respect, I highly doubt that you do, sir. But you will. Oh, you will.
Me: Indeed. In any case, you may expect my prompt arrival at 3pm local time, this Thursday.
Sec’y: And would that be Coruscant’s Thursday or Thursday on Mustafar?
Me: I’m sorry?
Sec’y: Oh, did I not mention that? Because of our orbit, Mustafar has a nine-day week. Thursday here will be Saturday on Coruscant. This week, anyway.
Me: 3pm, Thursday, Mustafar time.
Sec’y: And you’re sure about that?
Me: Would there be a better time?
Sec’y: Most assuredly not, sir. I meant, you’re sure you actually want to come here?
Me: Quite sure.
Sec’y: Very good, sir. The appointment is fixed. And if I could make one suggestion?
Me: Go ahead.
Sec’y: Wear something with a stiff collar.
Me: Quite. Thank you for your help.
Sec’y: It’s been a pleasure, sir. Good day.
And he disconnected. What a strange man, I remember thinking to myself. In any case, I now had my appointment with Lord Vader. I would soon get to the bottom of these budgetary shenanigans. Or my name isn’t Starrkin.
15 January, 01 E.C.
My predecessor was not shy about chartering private shuttles for official business. And certainly we have that right. However, because our business expenditures are funded by the Imperial taxpayer, I’ve always felt it my duty to take commercial flights whenever possible. This was my intention as I approached the ticket desk for Imperial Spaceways (formerly Republic Spaceways).
“One to Mustafar, please,” I said politely.
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the clerk. “Did you say…Mustafar?” He nearly whispered the name.
“That’s right,” I said confidently. He looked at me with a confused astonishment.
“One does not simply fly into Mustafar,” he cautioned.
“I see,” I said slowly. “Then what do you recommend?”
“Well, sir, you’ll have to charter a private shuttle.”
“Make it so,” I sighed. After a moment, he printed me out a boarding pass and directed me towards Platform VII. There I found a rough looking pilot, leaning against the landing strut of his shuttle, smoking a cigarette.
“Boarding pass,” he grunted at me. I showed it to him. “Mustafar, eh?” He looked me up and down. “You in some kinda trouble, gov?”
“Hardly,” I said dismissively. “And I’m ready to leave when you are, stout fellow.”
“Mustn’t keep Lord Vader waiting, eh?” he winked. “I get it. Right, let’s go.” He tossed his cigarette to the ground and stamped out with his boot. I followed him into the shuttle. A few moments later, we were breaking orbit. I left him alone as he plotted the course. But once we’d entered hyperspace, he turned to me.
“Well, gov, may as well make yourself at ‘ome. It’s a bit of a ride, all the way out to Mustafar.” He swiveled his chair to face me. “And what’s your business with the Dark Lord, if I may be so bold?”
“I’m an accountant,” I said somewhat proudly. He raised an eyebrow.
“A count, eh? I’ve ‘ad senators before. Even a Moff or two. But never a count.” He looked me over a second time. “Funny, you don’t look like a count.”
“Not a count,” I said with a wry smile. “An accountant. I deal with numbers, taxes, money, finances. That sort of thing.” I tried to make it sound important. He looked disappointed.
“Well, everybody’s got to be into sumfin, I reckon.” And he swiveled his chair forward again.
I’ve always felt there are two sorts of people. Those who like to chat up their taxi drivers and those who don’t. I’ve always fancied myself amongst the former.
“What’s your name, pilot?”
“’Oo, me?” He didn’t turn around.
“You are the only pilot aboard, are you not?”
“So I am, so I am,” he mused. “Name’s Simon, gov. Simon the pilot. That’s me.”
“Well, Simon,” I pressed. “Have you ever been to Mustafar before?” Now he swiveled his chair to face me again.
“Just the once, gov.” He offered no further information. I’d have to work a bit harder.
“And what was that like?” I asked. He whistled.
“Well, gov, it was the strangest thing. My passenger was…sorry, you don’t mind if I?” And he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his his breast pocket.
“It’s your ship,” I nodded.
“Technically she’s a boat sir,” he said, as he lit up.
“Don’t be,” he smiled. “Nothin’ I’d expect a desk-jockey such as yourself to know about. But shuttles, like this here, they’re boats not ships.”
“Forgive me,” I said, bowing slightly in my seat. “But you were saying? About your previous trip to Mustafar?”
“Ah, that, yeah.” He took a deep drag. “Well, you see, my passenger was this young bloke. Just made Moff, actually. Never seen somebody so proud of ‘is riding pants. Kept patting at the flairs. To get ‘em just right, you know? ‘Perfectly smooth.’ That’s what ‘e kept sayin to ‘isself.”
“I know the type,” I said, crossing my legs, hoping to emphasize that I was not wearing riding pants; though my rank certainly would have allowed me to.
“I reckon you do, gov.” He blew out a cloud of smoke. “Anyway, ‘e never did tell me what ‘is business with ‘Is Blackness was. Jus’, he seemed sor’ of nervous. Didn’t say much. Well, we touch down on Mustafar, and ‘e strides ou’ of the shu’le in all his Moff-ness. ‘Keep the engine running,’ ‘e says.” And he attempted a posh accent when he quoted the young Moff.
“Then what happened?”
“Well, ‘e wasn’t gone but twenty minutes when a call comes in over the radio. It was Vader’s secretary, it was. And ‘e says to me…get this, ‘e says: ‘I regret to inform you that our young Moff will not be making the return voyage. Of course, you will be paid in full for your efforts. You are cleared for takeoff.’ ‘Onest, that’s what ‘e said. Just like that.”
“Well?” I pressed. “What did you do?”
“Whadya think, mate?” he asked, rubbing out his cigarette in a nearby ashtray. “I took off. I mean, we’re talking about Darth bloody Vader ‘ere. I wasn’t about to ask questions.”
“And what happened to the Moff?” I inquired
“Nobody knows,” he said softly. “Rumor ‘as it though, ‘is wife received a package in the post not long after.”
“And what was in the package?” I was trying to sound nonchalant, but in truth, I had goose-bumps.
“Well, and mind you, this is just rumor, gov, pure ‘earsay. But they say, it was a pair of perfectly pressed riding pants. And according to the rumor, they smelled faintly of Bacta.” I could no longer hide my shock. He smiled at me. “But, as I say, gov, that’s just a rumor, innit.”
“And you believe it?” I asked, tugging at my tight, stiff collar.
“Force knows, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, gov.” he mused. “But you’re sure you’re not in any sor’ of trouble?”
“Quite sure, Simon.” And I re-crossed my legs in the other direction.
“I ‘ope so, gov. For your sake. Cigarette?” He was offering his pack to me.
“I don’t smoke.”
“Course not, gov. Course not.” And he swiveled his chair back around to face the control panel.
“Simon?” I asked after a long pause.
“Could I trouble you for something to drink?”
“Certainly, gov.” And he waved towards a small refrigeration unit towards the aft of the shuttle’s cockpit. “I’ve got beer, water, bantha-juice and blue-milk. ‘Elp yourself.”
“Actually, would a cup of tea be possible?” I asked with dignity.
“Sure thing, gov. Kettle’s in the galley, aft starboard. There’s a decent selection, if I do say so meself.”
“Lovely,” I said. “I expect you have Earl Gray then?”
“Of course, gov. Though they’re calling it Earl Tarkin, now.”
“Officially, yes. ‘Asn’t caught on, though. Doesn’t quite ‘ave the same ring, if you ask me.”
“Thank you, Simon.”
With that, I headed aft. There I made myself a cup of tea and sat down to update my journal. Which is where I am now…